the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
