fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
