yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
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I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
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ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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