so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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