We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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