WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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