its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
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