Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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