Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Say something about gay babies.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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