I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
being pregnant is like rehab
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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