People in love make me want to vomit
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
