I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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