you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
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he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
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I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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