You're my little dorito
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Randomize
