in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
