I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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