That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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