Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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