oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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