Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
