I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
