new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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