Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
