so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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