Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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