she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
