If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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