then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
She even gives head with a lisp.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
