tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
