She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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