She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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