Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
