she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
