I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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