How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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