on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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