Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
