If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Randomize
