tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
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