I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
