dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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