Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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