that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
