She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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