I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Randomize
