I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
not ubering you a puppy
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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