News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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