I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
