Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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