I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
