my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
