I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
