Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
