Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
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Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
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You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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