I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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