I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
