i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
